When it comes to dating, it’s important to realize that it doesn’t stop at attracting men. The other part of the equation is being aware of the stuff that puts relationships at risk.
On top of cultivating a good attitude and taking care of yourself, it also makes sense to avoid some key mistakes that can UNDO all your hard work.
In this case, ignorance is most definitely NOT bliss. Even if you do manage to get a guy to fall for you, being oblivious to certain behaviors could make him reconsider sticking around.
What am I talking about exactly? Read on:
#1: Being Needy
Call me Captain Obvious, but you know this is true. Even if curbing this annoying trait is common sense, I still see so many women ruin a perfectly fine relationship because of this.
For instance, my good friend Janine was telling me about her recent breakup with a guy she’d been dating for about half a year. “I just don’t get it,” she tells me, “things were going great when out of nowhere, he wanted to have ‘The Talk’.”
Now, women are usually the one to open up this kind of discussion, so I knew something was wrong for Janine’s guy to make the first move.
Apparently, Janine’s guy Dave felt “suffocated and smothered” by her attitude. “According to him, he’s had enough of me constantly trying to validate the relationship,” she laments.
Well, given that she had been trying to convince Dave what a great couple they’d make, I wasn’t really surprised it would to come to this.
I learned from Janine that Dave had just gotten out of a long relationship just several months before they met. So it seems that he was just in a different place emotionally.
In other words, he was more comfortable taking things one day at a time.
Of course, Janine’s situation doesn’t apply to everyone, but there’s something important to be learned from what happened to her. In particular, a needy attitude like hers can manifest in “smaller” ways which can add up over time.
For example, burdening your man with the need to check in with you is going to kill his romantic feelings for you. He’ll no longer see you as the fun, cool girl he fell for.
Worse, he’ll treat the relationship as an obligation. Don’t be “that girl”.
Give yourselves some time and space to miss each other. Send him a quick email or text that you’re thinking about him, BUT keep it reasonable. Keep things balanced by attending to your career, hobbies and other aspects of your life.
Of course, the point of being in a relationship is to be happy and enjoy all the warm, tingly feelings that follow. However, it isn’t supposed to fill in a void in your existence.
Knowing this distinction makes a huge difference in the way you handle dating and relationships.
# 2: Turning Every Discussion Into a Debate (That You Need To WIN)
The only way to deal with this problem is accepting the cold, hard truth that you and your guy are different people. No matter how much you have in common, there will ALWAYS be some fundamental things you’ll never agree on.
Learning to live with this reality will save you a ton of headaches – not to mention lessen the chances of sabotaging your relationship.
So how do you get around this brick wall instead of banging your head against it?
The next time you get into an argument, try to focus on the CORE issue rather than forcing your opinion on him. While it’s tempting to make him agree with you, remember that it doesn’t solve anything.
Let’s say that your guy thinks that you spend too much. On the other hand, you feel that he’s a bit stingy when it comes to tipping at restaurants and the like.
Maybe it’s because you have a soft spot for guys who are generous while he learned to be frugal at an early age.
It wouldn’t do you any good by telling him, “You should have tipped that waiter more – after all, his service was great!” Trying to hammer him with your logic will only make him stand his ground all the more.
The main issue here is that you both have different views about money – acknowledging this plays a huge factor during your arguments.
You probably won’t change your opinions overnight, but it does keep you from resenting each other (very poisonous to a relationship!) and understanding why you’re different in the first place.
In time, you’ll learn how to approach these sore spots with kindness so you don’t get into a contest to prove who’s right or wrong.
#3: Wearing Your Heart On Your Sleeve All The Time (a.k.a. Smothering Him With Emotions).
Generally speaking, women are hardwired to communicate in emotional terms. This can be a problem for guys because they’re often on a different wavelength.
Chances are your guy would prefer talking in a straightforward way instead of dissecting their feelings over an hour-long conversation.
Case in point: notice how the average man and woman typically talk about their day.
While a guy would probably just give the facts (i.e. what they did and/or what happened), a girl’s account of her day is likely to involve how they felt throughout the day (e.g. “I was SO relieved to find out my department wasn’t going to be downsized!”).
That’s why not turning EVERY conversation into a lengthy emotional exercise is a better way to get your guy to understand you (and not turn him off!).
Don’t of tell him over sobs and sniffles that your felt so awful when he didn’t bother to let you know about (or invite you to) his office party. You’re better off making a no-frills request and skip the tears.
An effective way to help him see where you’re coming from is by saying something like, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d included me in the things that mattered to you. I don’t mind that you didn’t invite me, but it would be nice to know about the stuff going on in your life.”
By chilling out and being concise with your request, he’ll get the message loud and clear and not make him shut down on you.
In the end, you’ll get extra points with your man by not trying to get him to open up about his feelings at EVERY turn.
I’m no psychic, but I’m pretty sure NO GUY has ever uttered these words:
“You know what this relationship needs? MORE emotional drama! ”
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